Doubt

Small word, big effect. Not even two syllables. But strong enough to bring the strongest person to their knees.

And I’m not a very strong person. Well my husband thinks I am and other people tell me I am but sometimes I just dont feel that way. I never know what is the right decision but i think that is something other than doubt. Yes I worry, maybe doubt if I can make the rights decision but making a decision and not knowing if it is the right one or not is something different isnt it?

I havent been around in forever. I havent really had much to say. Or maybe too much. I am trying a new approach – its always something new. You see I thought I could be a blogger but the truth is I’m not that good at it. I enjoy writing but not because I have to. Plus the space has never really revealed its purpose to me.  Just what is ‘The Wandering Heart’ supposed to mean.

I can tell you what it has meant – that I am just unsure. I go along in life and I have no clue. I mean who does. But its more than that. I wander through life looking for something my heart wants. Its why I was never sure in school and latched onto the first idea, that even now I am unsure if its my own. I always wanted to major in history but I let doubt change my mind and I did something else. Something I sometimes enjoyed but in the end it doesnt satisfy me. International Politics, sorry its not you its me.

And Law. My brief stint in law school – well leaving law school was the smart thing to do. But chasing a grad degree afterwards not so much. It doesnt matter it got me to Italy. Strange how that works.

I always like to say that I dont regret the past because the past helps to shape the person you are today. And for the most part I really do believe that. But sometimes I do wish the road couldve been a little easier. Or a little different. Or maybe just a little more sure.

I dont know what my future roads have in store. Well I do know. I know that there is a lot of work and maybe even some hardship coming up. Probably some arguments and trying to stand up for what I believe in.People who will disagree and probably a whole lot of doubt.

But maybe in that doubt  I can find opportunity. I am trying to be more truthful to myself. I am scared. I am anxious but I also have hope.