A Rough Day

I’ve set the date for this letter to match the date it was written, actually published on November 23 2010

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Yesterday was rough. I’m sorry for that. Yes I have a cold but I was impatient. I wasn’t mothering. I was short-tempered. My only saving grace is that you as a baby wont remember even though it will weigh heavy on my heart for some time. Today was better. Probably because I felt guilty for yesterday. I still don’t feel well. This cold is really taking a toll on my reserves. Its especially difficult since I don’t get as much sleep as I would prefer to. I do enjoy having you next to me though. To see your little face through the bars of your bed while you sleep. I wonder what you might be dreaming about.

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Eventually we will move you into your own space. I promise you that. Its all I have wanted since before you were born. To provide everything that I can to make you happy. Not just happy but satisfied and a whole child so that you might be a whole adult when you grow up. Its not easy for me. I have no idea what I am doing or even how to do it.

Its funny. Shortly after you were born I had the intense desire to go to church. I still feel that sometimes. I’ve often thought about asking your grandma to take us with her when she goes. But my insecurities stop me. I am not overly religious, honestly I’m not even sure how to be religious. I just know that I need to believe that someone is watching over us. Watching over you. I can only protect you so much and I worry too much probably about all the other things I cant protect your from.

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Like when you had a cold before we left the US. I could hold you in my arms so that you could sleep. But I couldn’t make the cold go away. That had to pass on its on. Or now when you sometimes refuse to eat. Yes even that worries me. I guess I will always be worried about you getting enough. Ever since my milk didn’t come in right away and we had to supplement you with formula. I’m sure all mothers though worry about their child eating enough. You do eat though. I love watching you smack your lips whenever someone is eating around you. Nosey child that you are.

I don’t know

momma