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05/02/2008: "fake it"

mood: sleepy

So I finished this semester ... hopefully successfully, i am still waiting for grades but so far looks like maybe and A and a B, maybe two B's which would be fine also. My last class was this week and we watched the crazy movie called Paris is Burning. It was about the gay/trans scene in New York and the "balls" they have. These balls are essentially just a way for them all to get together and compete and what not but what the movie was about isnt really important. One of the classes I was taking is one of the core class for the humanities program I am in. Its called Humanities on Trial: Thoughts on post modernism. I'm still not sure what the point of the class was. We read people like freud and nietzsche, discussed issues like how reproducibility is destroying the arts or something like that. Well the teacher ended the class with this discussion. In the movie one of the central themes was identity. At these balls, the people would get together and perform like best straight looking man, or most real looking woman. Obviously gay men and women and especially transgender deal with issues of identity, but my teacher went on to suggest that all life is nothing but performing. That none of us are who we really are ever to anyone. She says:

"We are as we act....but are performances unfold only and always in relation to others, and in shifting contexts that may alter their meanings."

and

"The meaning of our lives has ultimately, has little to do with any inner core or essence but with a kind of social script, a manner of acting. "

I dont know but this bothers me a little. It suggests that life is fake. That how I act and react to one person is all based on lies and assumptions. And yes, I'm sure people assume things all the times and base opinions on what they think is going on rather that what may actually be going on. But then thats human nature. We always want to guess and try to figure out what people are thinking - sometimes for the worse. And sure this may affect how we act around certain people. But to say that the meaning of life has little to do with who we are and more to do with so script we have devised - it just seems fake.

So I dont know. I would like to think that I try to be myself as genuinely as possible. Maybe thats good, maybe its not. I would hope that it is enough. Sure I think we act differently around different people but i think contextually that also refers to how well you know someone. You may not be entirely yourself as you are getting to know someone, but thats the process of getting to know someone ... I dont know. This is already too long and rambly and my brain is still dead.

but comments, thoughts if you want