Rock-a-bye Baby

dititle

I love rocking you to sleep. I like to kiss your cheek, your forehead and your little nose when you fall asleep. You still like your pacifier but it normally falls out of your mouth once get to fast asleep. Rocking you has its ups and downs, but I wouldn’t trade the experience for the world. IMG00133kdk_0408

Sure you like to pinch (ow) and sometimes its hard to put you down to sleep. But can I blame you? I’m sure we are warm, me and especially your daddy. Why would you want to leave our snuggly embrace. Photo1126

The experts say you should “sleep train” your baby. That you should be able to fall asleep on your kdk_0504own, that we should be able to stick you in your bed awake and walk away. And maybe that would save the 20 and sometimes much longer minutes it takes to get you to sleep. Maybe some think its crazy to rock you to sleep for each nap, each wake up, each bedtime. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. How could I listen to you cry knowing that rocking your for 5 minutes more will ease your fears and help you find a blissful sleep.

kdk_0422How would I let you be alone in the dark, knowing that a soft humming lullaby from me would be enough to let your sleep peacefully. And even though you wake me up at night (still) sometimes many times a night I remember this – its only temporary.

You will never again be the age you are today, just like you cant be the age you were yesterday. Everyday you get more and more independent. Your baby babble is more like practice words. Soon you will be saying “Good Night Mommy” and you wont need me to rock you to sleep. I will miss this time. Miss watching you curl up in my lap and rest your head on my chest and drift asleep. I might even miss the pinching (ow), or not.

kdk_0383

You wont always be my snuggly baby. One day you will sleep on your own. One day you wont need me to rock you. To pick you up when you come up to me and say “Hi!”.  We think you got that from me as normally when you wake up I come in and say “Hi sweet pea”. So you come to us, lift your arms and say “Hi” in your little cute voice. I actually think its your new favorite word as you smile and say hiiiii all the time. Although you are learning the word ‘no’.

kdk_0392

Sweet dreams my beautiful baby, I’ll always be here to rock you when you need me.

momma

Fallen

a letter that was written before I had the website ready.

dititle

You slept in our bed last night. Its not the first time its happened, but normally its just for a few hours instead of the whole night. But you just did not want to sleep at all. That’s ok. You were all snuggly and warm. It was nice although I slept poorly and near the edge of the bed. By about 5am my shoulder hurt and my sleep had been so light that I wanted to cry. But you slept.

You fell twice today. You rolled off the bed and then later this evening you slid out of your chair. Both times I saw the look on your face. Both times I felt and still feel awful. How could I let you fall off the bed. You move so fast. And then slip out of your chair, how did I forget your weren’t buckled.

It’s painful to see something happen to you. And yet I know there is so much more to come IMG_1765and I don’t know how to keep you safe from everything. I just want to hold you close to me and keep you warm and safe. Lately at night when you are done nursing, you curl up in my lap, lay you head on my tummy or my breast and fall asleep. Or just lay peacefully. I love these moments. I wish I could have them forever.

I want so much for you. To want for nothing but to be fair-minded. To play and never worry. To never see mommy or daddy worry or fight. I haven’t done too well on that, but I can just hope you wont remember. Too much stress going on, it makes mommy sad and unsure.

I don’t know what our future looks like. Is this our home? I look around and its nothing like I pictured. Only one thing is. Me with you. Being home with you, I never really thought about otherwise. I don’t know. I think before I had you, like most people I just accepted the reality that we put babies in daycare. How wrong I was. I don’t think I could ever do it. I know daycare isn’t terrible. In fact there are many good things about it. If I were so inclined I would even consider running one. Except that I don’t really want to take care of other peoples kids anymore than I want other people taking care of you. IMG_2645

Make sense? I rarely do these days. Lack of sleep maybe. Lack of confidence perhaps.

I don’t want to write this here but I will. I didn’t like today when your grandmother took you and kept you, rocking you in the way that I wanted. I had been holding you, you were snuggled against me and I could feel your little belly moving. Such a comforting thing. But then your grandmother got in your face and got your attention. And I don’t know, maybe its me. But something about the way she was holding you, its like she was trying to protect you or comfort you. I felt like it was directed to me. Like “don’t worry, ive got you Isabella in a kind of way”. Your daddy would say that is crazy. Maybe it is. Its not the first time. But maybe its just me thinking I’m your mother its my job to take care of you.

My sweet girl, I want so much to take care of you the way you deserve. I don’t know if I am good enough to be your mother but I will try. I love you with all my heart.

10/26/2010

momma

Not Momma Today

dititle

I haven’t really felt like being a momma lately. It’s a horrible thing. To write it, to even think it honestly. I love being your momma, don’t ever think otherwise. But lately Ive allowed myself to be so stressed and so angry at everything. For the most part it doesn’t really affect how I am with you. Mainly because I don’t want it to. But there have been a couple times where I had your daddy come and rock you for your evening nap because I just couldn’t fight with you to sleep.

Although if you cried I couldn’t stay away. Right now he trying to get you back to sleep and you just don’t want to be put back down I bet. I haven’t gone in to see yet. I wanted/needed to write you a letter. Ever since I published that first letter I haven’t really had any thoughts come to mind.

A couple of things maybe, but nothing that made me think ‘Dear Isabella, I have to tell you what’s going on today!’. But like I said I haven’t really felt like myself lately.

You are amazing though. Talking, you say hi when you want to be picked up. I can ask you where you belly button is and you will lift you shirt and look for it. Its really adorable. We had to take you for one shot today, although you were supposed to get two. The doctor who was there this time was much better. Last time was awful. The doc then was more concerned about the documents and then when it was time for your shot you were really upset and he wouldn’t give me the time to calm you down. By the time it was all done we were both in tears. Looking back I feel like he was that way because I don’t speak the language, came with a translator (Sylvia and not your daddy) and was just in general a jerk. But today the doctor was better. Gentler and you were such a brave girl. A little bit of tears when you got poked but soon after it was forgotten.

I gotta help your Papa, I’m sure he’s about to melt down. I love you more than words can say,

momma

First Birthday

dititle

Yesterday you turned a year old. Today I am going start start regularly posting letters to you here.

SDC11065 My sweet girl your birthday was really bittersweet for me. On the one hand it was a happy day celebrating a year since your arrival and transforming our lives for the better. On the other hand I felt quite sad at times that my mother and sisters were not able to be physically there. We were able to stream them in via Skype and Kelly said everything was great but I still felt sad.

And then dealing with the conversation in the corner about how I don’t speak Italian yet…we’ve been here for 4 months, what do they really expect. At least I can understand some, being conversant just isn’t there, not that I really expect it to be after a short time. So in combination with that and feeling a little blue, I did have some down moments. I don’t think you noticed but these letters are to show you just how human your momma is.

SDC11056You were so cute in your outfit. And the little bow in your hair was the perfect addition. Your grandmother and aunties did a good job decorating. I liked what they did. And the food was really good too, we just made too much. But I guess better to have too much than not enough, as your Papa says.

Its too bad you didn’t like the frosting on your cake. I really wanted to see you go for it. I wasn’t sure if you would like it though. You don’t like the cream cheese/mascarpone frosting I make. But I bet you would probably like butter cream. Maybe next time.

For your next birthday I really want to be in the US. I don’t want to do another birthday like this one. But I guess we always will be streaming in one family versus the other. If we are in the US we would have to stream in your Papa’s family. Here we had to stream in mine.  I don’t know. I guess I will have to wait to see what next year brings. You seemed to have fun regardless of who was there though.

Photo0262One year ago I was sitting in a hospital bed holding you, my tiny little 7lb and some baby in my arms in awe of how such a sweet person could grow in me. You’ve grown so much over this year, turned into quite the little person. You love Goodnight Moon and just reciting the first few lines (because I have the book mostly memorized by now) makes you come running into the room, a handy tactic when you’ve wandered down the hallway.

Tinker Bell and Jack’s Big Music Show are your favorite to watch. Especially Tinker Bell, you light up IMG_2865when that movie is on, interact with the scenes, meow at the mouse..its so cute. You still like Moose from Nick Jr; I made you a Moose doll for your birthday and you do seem to recognize it.

We’ve come a long way from those first few days, struggling to nurse – now you nurse like a piggy and smack your lips at everyone who is eating anything in your eyesight – you insist that they “share”. Although you are very opinionated about what you don’t like also!

Well my baby doll, I have so much more I want to write and say to you. I write these letters to you because I am always composing in my head. I think of everything I want to tell you and what I want you to know. I talk a lot with you now, but I want you to be able to read and see my words when you are older. I love you my sweet girl

momma

A Rough Day

I’ve set the date for this letter to match the date it was written, actually published on November 23 2010

dititle

Yesterday was rough. I’m sorry for that. Yes I have a cold but I was impatient. I wasn’t mothering. I was short-tempered. My only saving grace is that you as a baby wont remember even though it will weigh heavy on my heart for some time. Today was better. Probably because I felt guilty for yesterday. I still don’t feel well. This cold is really taking a toll on my reserves. Its especially difficult since I don’t get as much sleep as I would prefer to. I do enjoy having you next to me though. To see your little face through the bars of your bed while you sleep. I wonder what you might be dreaming about.

IMG_1615

Eventually we will move you into your own space. I promise you that. Its all I have wanted since before you were born. To provide everything that I can to make you happy. Not just happy but satisfied and a whole child so that you might be a whole adult when you grow up. Its not easy for me. I have no idea what I am doing or even how to do it.

Its funny. Shortly after you were born I had the intense desire to go to church. I still feel that sometimes. I’ve often thought about asking your grandma to take us with her when she goes. But my insecurities stop me. I am not overly religious, honestly I’m not even sure how to be religious. I just know that I need to believe that someone is watching over us. Watching over you. I can only protect you so much and I worry too much probably about all the other things I cant protect your from.

IMG_2483

Like when you had a cold before we left the US. I could hold you in my arms so that you could sleep. But I couldn’t make the cold go away. That had to pass on its on. Or now when you sometimes refuse to eat. Yes even that worries me. I guess I will always be worried about you getting enough. Ever since my milk didn’t come in right away and we had to supplement you with formula. I’m sure all mothers though worry about their child eating enough. You do eat though. I love watching you smack your lips whenever someone is eating around you. Nosey child that you are.

I don’t know

momma