a letter that was written before I had the website ready.
You slept in our bed last night. Its not the first time its happened, but normally its just for a few hours instead of the whole night. But you just did not want to sleep at all. That’s ok. You were all snuggly and warm. It was nice although I slept poorly and near the edge of the bed. By about 5am my shoulder hurt and my sleep had been so light that I wanted to cry. But you slept.
You fell twice today. You rolled off the bed and then later this evening you slid out of your chair. Both times I saw the look on your face. Both times I felt and still feel awful. How could I let you fall off the bed. You move so fast. And then slip out of your chair, how did I forget your weren’t buckled.
It’s painful to see something happen to you. And yet I know there is so much more to come and I don’t know how to keep you safe from everything. I just want to hold you close to me and keep you warm and safe. Lately at night when you are done nursing, you curl up in my lap, lay you head on my tummy or my breast and fall asleep. Or just lay peacefully. I love these moments. I wish I could have them forever.
I want so much for you. To want for nothing but to be fair-minded. To play and never worry. To never see mommy or daddy worry or fight. I haven’t done too well on that, but I can just hope you wont remember. Too much stress going on, it makes mommy sad and unsure.
I don’t know what our future looks like. Is this our home? I look around and its nothing like I pictured. Only one thing is. Me with you. Being home with you, I never really thought about otherwise. I don’t know. I think before I had you, like most people I just accepted the reality that we put babies in daycare. How wrong I was. I don’t think I could ever do it. I know daycare isn’t terrible. In fact there are many good things about it. If I were so inclined I would even consider running one. Except that I don’t really want to take care of other peoples kids anymore than I want other people taking care of you.
Make sense? I rarely do these days. Lack of sleep maybe. Lack of confidence perhaps.
I don’t want to write this here but I will. I didn’t like today when your grandmother took you and kept you, rocking you in the way that I wanted. I had been holding you, you were snuggled against me and I could feel your little belly moving. Such a comforting thing. But then your grandmother got in your face and got your attention. And I don’t know, maybe its me. But something about the way she was holding you, its like she was trying to protect you or comfort you. I felt like it was directed to me. Like “don’t worry, ive got you Isabella in a kind of way”. Your daddy would say that is crazy. Maybe it is. Its not the first time. But maybe its just me thinking I’m your mother its my job to take care of you.
My sweet girl, I want so much to take care of you the way you deserve. I don’t know if I am good enough to be your mother but I will try. I love you with all my heart.